Grace's Final Days (in this life)

(Written 01/01/01 and 01/02/01) I can't believe that a week has passed already since Grace died. The past couple of weeks have just been a blur. Here it is, with the New Year now upon us, time screams by and waits for no one. There is just no easy way to describe how I am feeling right now. The pain, the loss, the emptiness, the huge responsibility, the heartache, and the numbness are just a few of the emotions I must bear. I've tried to make the best of this weekend, getting some rest, going to a couple of New Year's parties (for Matthew's sake, at least). It all seems like a horrible episode of the Twilight Zone.

I will try at least to describe how life has been around here over the last several days. I won't do it all tonight. I'll have to do it a little at a time, especially since my memory is not doing too well these days, with so much going on. I'll start off with Grace's final days with us. It's taken me a while to get up the energy to write about the saddest and most painful day in my life. One that will stay with me until the day I die.

I'm not even sure if all of the details are even correct any more, but I'll go back to last Friday, December 22nd and recall as much as I can. The paid home care person stayed with her from 8 to 4, as I ran around making preparations for the worst to come (signature on the "Do Not Resuscitate" form, finalizing the location of the cemetery plots). Grace's family was scheduled to arrive on Christmas Eve and Christmas day, but were able to change their plans at the last minute and they all made it to our house by Friday afternoon. Tony even did some schedule juggling at work and made it down for the day, just to see Grace. Grace had been quickly getting worse, with fewer and fewer moments of consciousness. But I think she was cognizant of the fact that everyone in her family was with us this evening to visit. Everyone, but her Mom stayed at a local hotel. Friday night was the first night that Grace didn't get up in the wee hours to go into the kitchen and get a bite to eat and drink. She still managed to sit up in bed, but was now slumping over face down, too weak to sit up.

Saturday, Grace stayed in bed all day, only rarely waking to attempt to take medication. We had a number of Grace's closest friends (Mike, Mel, Kathi) come to visit and stay with her throughout the day, to sit, hold her hand, pray, etc. and Natalie came to try and help me out with everything, including preparations for Christmas. It was amazing how much love and compassion were shown to Grace on this day, as we all knew that the end was getting closer and closer.

Saturday night was the first night that Grace didn't wake up. Sunday morning things were getting horribly scary. Pastor Dan and one of the other church members (Enoch) came by to visit and pray for Grace after Sunday service. Everyone, including Grace's family sat around her as we all prayed and sang "Amazing Grace". I couldn't get the words out as I was too choked up and tears were filling up in my eyes. Grace had no response to any of this.

Sunday evening my parents and aunt Elsie arrived to celebrate Christmas Eve dinner, which was hastily put together by Joe and Esther as they ran around town trying to find prepared food. Mike stopped by again as usual to help out, and we all had a pretty decent meal, despite the fact that Grace hadn't awoken all day (although she did move around a bit every once in a while). We all opened up our Christmas gifts as Mike sat with Grace in the bedroom. Of course Matthew was the biggest recipient of gifts on this evening (pictures to follow soon!).

The evening's festivities were over, my parents and aunt left, Mikey left, and all of Grace's family went to the hotel to give me a break, except that Grace's Mom stayed to watch over Grace. I was exhausted from waking up so many times the previous night worrying and listening to Grace's erratic breathing, that I told Grace's mom that I would sleep out on the sofa tonight. She agreed to sit up with Grace all evening. Before going to take a shower, we noticed that Grace was now starting to show some discomfort, so after contacting the on-call nurse, she suggested that we give Grace some of the liquid Morphine into her mouth and that it would be absorbed without her swallowing. I took a shower and took my place on the sofa for the evening as Grace's Mom stayed with Grace.

I had a terrible time trying to fall asleep, but managed to get a little bit of shut-eye. Even though I was really exhausted, I happened to wake up for some reason at about 8 AM and went into the bedroom. Grace was still alive, in an awkward position, and really starting to strain with her breathing. I noticed that Matthew was awake and lying on the floor in our bedroom, but when I wanted to pick him up, he refused to move. I washed up quickly and returned to Grace's bedside and Grace's Mom woke up. She said that Grace seemed to be somewhat uncomfortable most of the night, as she had to give her more morphine. Grace's Mom called the hotel to tell everyone that Grace was really starting to struggle now. As we sat with her, holding her hands, her breaths were getting shorter and shorter by the minute. And then, shortly thereafter, at around 8:30, she breathed her last breath. Grace's Mom cried, I gave Grace a hug and final teary-eyed kiss and then we said goodbye. I feel almost as if Grace waited for Matthew and I to wake up, so that we'd be with her when she passed away.....

...Only about 15 minutes after Grace passed away, the rest of her family arrived from the hotel. I couldn't really tell you what I was feeling at that moment. Numbed, I guess would be the easiest way to describe it. But even a sort of warped feeling of relief. Grace's mom was understandably distraught. As Joan was walking out of the bedroom, she noticed that it seemed that Grace was smiling. Sure enough, you coulda sworn that she was now smiling, peaceful and no longer in pain.

I don't remember all of the details about that morning except that I was thinking about whom I needed to call. I called my Mom to let her know. My family is typically not emotional, so my Mom didn't say much except "Oh, No". I called Mikey and he started balling. I called our Pastor who was vacationing in San Francisco. I called the mortuary and they said that they would be over in an hour or so to pick up Grace's body. What a surreal feeling. I calmly went about taking care of business, even though I was falling apart inside. It was fully my responsibility to take care of it, so I just did it. Shortly thereafter, my parents and aunt arrived.

About 10:30, two blank-faced men in dark suits showed up at our front door and I knew it was time. They expressed their condolences, and stood and waited as our house full of people milled around and said their final good-byes to Grace. Joe took Matthew outside to play so he wouldn't see the men taking his Mommy away. I closed the door as Grace's Mom, Joan, my Mom and I watched. The men brought a gurney in, put on rubber gloves, and proceeded to wrap up Grace's body. Grace's Mom fell apart as they loaded Grace into the body bag. Joan tried to console her, but she too was having a difficult time. In a matter of seconds, it seemed, they were out the door, loading Grace into the back of a specially prepared van. I looked around and it appeared that no one had noticed them wheeling the body bag out to the van. I stood there on the sidewalk, by myself, in the warm morning sunshine, in our typically very quiet neighborhood, watching the van leave, mentally sending a final message to my best friend, "Good-bye Grace, I love you!"

When I came back in to the house, everyone looked totally drained. The bedroom, with our messy bed sheets, was eerily empty. The spot where Grace had spent most of her time in the last few weeks, in so much discomfort, was now vacated. Grace was gone forever.

A few friends started arriving to pay their respects, and after some time had passed, I had to take off all of the sheets and blankets, and put them into the washing machine. When I had a moment, I spoke to Matthew about the fact that Mommy had died and gone to heaven. He said, "Wait, lemme see", and ran in to the bedroom. He pointed and said, "Oh, see, that's because there's no sheets!"